January 5, 2009

Frustrated Mom in Virginia wrote that her 19-year-old son constantly loses things - coats, lunch boxes, expensive toys, games - and damages property such as computers, furniture, etc. He doesn't do it on purpose - he's just clumsy and heavy-handed. He often bumps into people and never says"excuse me" or even appears to notice. When she points out his clumsy, insensitive behavior, he complains that she always accuses him of being a failure, and everybody always finds fault with him. What's a mother to do?

Abby was correct in suggesting that Frustrated Mom have her son evaluated for a psychological or neurological disorder and eyecare specialist.

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I would like to further recommend that Frustrated Mom ask the psychiatrist if it is Aspergers Syndrome.

Asperger syndrome (AS) is a developmental disorder that is characterized by:

• limited interests or an unusual preoccupation with a particular subject to the exclusion of other activities
• repetitive routines or rituals
• peculiarities in speech and language, such as speaking in an overly formal manner or in a monotone, or taking figures of speech literally
• socially and emotionally inappropriate behavior and the inability to interact successfully with peers
• problems with non-verbal communication, including the restricted use of gestures, limited or inappropriate facial expressions, or a peculiar, stiff gaze
• clumsy and uncoordinated motor movements

It is estimated that two out of every 10,000 children have the disorder. Boys are three to four times more likely than girls to have AS.

What leads me to suspect AS in this case is not only the clumsy, forgetful behavior - but the fact that the young man does not even appear to notice what he has done wrong.

Or, it just might be that the son is a klutz and the mom is an overly-critical nag. Frankly, I'm surprised that in 19 years she has never brought this to the attention of a doctor or psychologist.

November 18, 2008

Christmas Elf's husband is a company VP. She'd like to find a socially acceptable alternative to mailing out 150 Christmas cards to all her husband's co-workers. She asks Abby if it would be a good idea to make up a large platter of home-baked cookies and a platter of cheese, crackers and fruit, for hubby to bring to work.

Abby took a practical approach involving math. Two to three cookies per person meant Christmas Elf would be baking for days. It would be less time-consuming to sign and address the cards. "Perhaps he [husband] should address half of them."

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Oh no you didn't. You did NOT just perpetuate the ridiculously outdated social convention that the wife is the husband's social secretary. You did NOT infer that his addressing half of them would be doing her a favor. Wait a minute. Yes you did.

Let's get this straight. It's HIS job and HIS co-workers. He should handle all of the cards. Or, he could ask his secretary to handle it, considering the cards are going to company employees. She (or he) might not be too happy with this task either, as it's menial and takes away from more important tasks.

And FURTHERMORE. Note that Christmas Elf specifically said Christmas cards and not Holiday cards. Are there still people in this day and age who believe that everyone in the United States is Christian and appreciates a Christmas card? Besides Sarah Palin? I happen to believe it should be illegal for cities to put up nativity scenes using public funds, but I'll have to wait until I can more concretely relate that to another letter.

Back to Christmas Elf and the cards. How many people younger than age 60 really cares about getting a card? Unless of course there's money or a gift certificate inside. Barring that, I'm willing to bet that most people would rather have the cookies. Forget the cheese, crackers and fruit. Have you ever walked into a room and said, "Oh boy, an apple!" No, you have not.

Cut the number down from 3 cookies to 2 cookies per person, and that's 300 cookies. Buy pre-prepared dough and show your husband where the baking sheets are.

October 11, 2008

Broken-hearted in Phoenix writes that she was engaged for 18 months to Jerry. A few weeks ago he announced that he wanted to end their engagement because he is going through "a selfish period in his life and wants to be able to go out without feeling guilty." Broken-hearted suspects Jerry is seeing someone else, but he is adamant that he only wants to be independent, and that he might want to rekindle their relationship in a year. She is not sure whether she is willing to do this.

Dear Abby advised Broken-hearted to consider this romance a thing of the past, and to use the next 12 months to do some serious looking around. "If by chance you're still available - and willing - when Jerry is possibly ready to rekindle the relationship, do so only if he agrees to complete a course of couples counseling with you."

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HOLD IT. Stop right there. This romance is a thing of the past, period, end of story. By giving Broken-hearted one shred of possibility that he might come back, and things might work out, Abby is giving her full license to sit by the phone for the next 12 months. Broken-hearted might try dating other men, but she will not move forward until she knows the door is closed on Jerry. Broken-hearted is not only broken-hearted, but she is broken in spirit and self-image. She has been put on a shelf by Jerry, and now she views herself as returned goods. This will color her relationship with any man, and ESPECIALLY if she were to take Jerry back.

Taking Jerry back would be the worst thing possible. This is a man who has already decided that being by himself is being better than being with her. In a way, that's even worse than him finding someone else. That means he prefers an EMPTY ROOM to her. Or the POTENTIAL of someone else to her. On a conscious or subconscious level, Broken-hearted will always feel off-balance ... what if he changes his mind and breaks up again? What is it that she did or said or didn't do or didn't say that caused him to break up in the first place? Because no matter how much he (or anyone) assures her that it's not her, it's him, she'll still feel responsible. She will still feel not lovable enough. And should she get back together with him, she will spend the rest of her life (or marriage) trying to be lovable enough.

Let me tell you why I feel so strongly about this. My first husband broke off our engagement 3 or 4 times. I can't even remember now, I just know it was a ridiculous amount. He was the poster child for Cold Feet, and I was the poster child for Insecurity. Each time he broke it off, I became even more insecure. Which in turn made me even more determined to get him to marry me, because that would somehow validate me. He finally decided to marry me when I told him I found another boyfriend. And being the Queen of Stupidity, I interpreted his jealousy and possessiveness as True Love. I married him. And spent the next eleven years resenting him for a myriad of things, including the fact that he took four years to decide whether to marry me. I found that finally getting the ring on your finger does not mean you won. It means you lost.

You think I would have learned from that experience. But no, after that divorce, I somehow managed to find someone not just commitment-phobic, but sadistic on a psychotic level. Amazing how these types can come on so charming and attentive in the beginning. But the topic of emotional abuse and manipulation could fill an entire book, so I'll stick with the main point of this column, which is that he too proposed and reneged three times. And yeah, I married him, because I was still desperately insecure.

However, I will credit both of these ex-husbands for the most creative excuses for breaking off an engagement. I believe there were seven (SEVEN!!) changes of heart between the two of them, but here are the best of the best:

1. I'm going to go on a Mormon mission
2. You're Jewish and I'm Catholic.
3. I think I'm gay.

So Broken-hearted, this is why I am so adamant about wishing Jerry goodbye and good luck. He wants someone better than you, and you deserve someone better than him.

One last word of caution: He WILL come back after a year, possibly sooner. Definitely sooner if he thinks you have found someone to replace him. Mean always want to find out if the door is still open. Once they know it is open, they will leave again. Take away the welcome mat, and put on a deadbolt.

October 8, 2008

You know, Dear Abby has been giving out pretty good advice lately, leaving me not much fodder. But today she overlooked a few things in response to a college student's mother.

Christie's Mom wrote that her college freshman daughter is having a problem focussing on her work due to her roommate and suitemates constant drinking and skipping classes. The daughter feels isolated and unhappy, and calls her mother every day for reassurance.

Abby's response is that the problem will work itself out eventually, because irresponsible college students eventually get kicked out of school. However, she would rather the daughter seek a more immediate solution, which is to ask her dorm's resident assistant if she can room with other, more serious students. "She should also ask her professors if they know of any study groups she can join."

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I think both Christie's Mom and Abby are overlooking two things.

1. Christie might be one of those people who is only able to focus on those people who are unlike her, and annoy her. There are plenty of people in that dorm and college who are diligent, non-partying students. Why hasn't Christie noticed these people, and sought their company? It's easy. You find someone in the cafeteria reading a textbook as they eat, and sit down next to them. Get out your own textbook. Instant study group.

2. I'm reluctant to advocate that someone request a new roommate except in extreme situations. This is part of life. When you get a job someday, you can't request a new office partner. The world does not bend for you. You have to bend to the world. Is the roommate's behavior causing Christie to lose sleep and lose focus on her schoolwork? If so, a change might be necessary. However, if Christy just feels that she doesn't share the same values as the roommate .... if she gets to know her better, she might find they have things in common. Like insecurity.

September 12, 2008

NO POLITICS (OR RELIGION) PLEASE, IN CALIFORNIA has a problem at family get-togethers. Her large extended family apparently only discusses politics, and they hold opposite views as her. (I am assuming the writer is a 'her' because no guy I can think of would shy away from a political discussion - most would embrace it.) NO POLITICS has attempted to explain to them that her vote is a private matter, "and the statement prompted peals of laughter in the room." She would like to spend time with them, but is tired of their conversational bashing.

Dear Abby's reply is simply to avoid all of them until after the election.

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I admit this is a dilemma. Part of me wants to agree with Dear Abby, but not so much as a passive-agressive avoidance - but because I can't imagine how spending time with these people can be worthwhile or enjoyable. Yet, another part of me believes in really stretching the bounds of tolerance when it comes to Family. My family is pretty much insane, so whenever I visit them, I check any expectation of logical conversation at the door. I try to appreciate them in their full crazed glory. But when relatives cross over into insulting and belittling behavior, they no longer deserve the Crazy Family Immunity Card.

Also - in-laws should not be afforded as much tolerance. If you have not known them since you were a child, then they need to behave.

I think NO POLITICS should consider defending her political views. Deep down, her rascally relatives just want to engage someone in meaningful debate. (Ever watch Monty Python's 'Argument Clinic' skit?)


If NO POLITICS has views she truly believes in, then she should be knowledgeable and confident enough to defend them. She should know enough facts about the opposition's views to lay out the flaws. And above all, she must maintain a sense of humor about the conversation. A good way to defuse a debate in which the other person becomes more emotional than intellectual, is to get them to step back and laugh a little about it. One of my favorite defusing lines is Dan Ackroyd's counterpoint to Jane Curtain in an old SNL skit about an abortion debate.:

"Jane, I may not believe in abortion, but if I had been around when your mother was carrying you, not only would I have endorsed it, I would have performed it."

August 29, 2008

Today's advice-seeker refers to herself as IN A PICKLE IN LAKEWOOD, OHIO. Just as a side note - who cares that she lives in Lakewood, Ohio? Does this have any relevance to the nature of the letter or insight into her pathos? No, it does not. In fact, you will find out that she would be more aptly called CLUELESS or INSENSITIVE. In a Pickle and her friends would like to have a 'Naked Ladies Party'. "It's where all the women come over with all the clothing, accessories, jewelry, etc. they no longer want." They then strip down to their skivvies, try on each other's stuff, then vote on who should get to keep it. Here's the pickle. She would like to invite a good friend/co-worker, but she is significantly larger than everyone else and wouldn't fit into any of their clothes. In a Pickle does not want to embarass her by inviting her. Question: "What should I do?" Dear Abby suggests talking to the friend about the details of the party. She may not be interested in the stripping and clothing, but she might enjoy the accessories and bonding. Let the friend decide.

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On the surface, the Naked Ladies Party sounds like a great female bonding experience and an opportunity to exchange unwanted clothes for new clothes. This is fabulous if:

1. All the participants are young, attractive, and size 2.
2. All the participants enjoy hanging out in their underwear. (A lot of religious women might not enjoy this.)
   
3. All the participants are good sports about the fact that they might not get the outfit they like best, given the "voting" system.

Okay, so if you're Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan, sounds perfect. Otherwise, you have to deal with the fact that some of your friends do not share characteristics 1, 2, and/or 3 above.

Which brings us back to In a Pickle's question, which is how to deal with it. I'm willing to bet that she really doesn't want the fat friend there. She's looking for some sort of rationalization from the country's utmost authority on life (i.e. Dear Abby) to provide her with an easy out. She was hoping the answer would be something like "Your friend would clearly be uncomfortable at a party like this, so why don't you just invite her to some other party, like a tupperware party? It's not necessary to invite every single friend to every single party."

However instead, In a Pickle got the advice she absolutely did not want - to deal F2F with cold-blooded honesty about a party DESIGNED to accentuate Fat Friend's flaws. (Now, I'm using the phrase 'Fat Friend' fast and loose, because I like the alliteration. Also, I hate euphemisms like "Friend with Rubenesque Shape", or "Metabolism-Challenged Friend". )

The idea of the Naked Ladies Party offends me because of its direct affront to the wonderful diversity of women - all shapes, sizes, ages, etc. Even lingerie parties provide sexy lingerie in all sizes. No, the Naked Ladies Party is a thinly veiled opportunity to gossip and gawk at one another's bodies. Try not to tell me that the next day, those Naked Ladies won't be texting each other about who looked pale, skanky, fat, etc. This is what women do.

I also don't buy how it's a great way to get rid of unwanted clothes and get new ones. There are these things called clothing re-sale stores. Same idea. Even better: Good Will, Amvets, or some other worthy charity.

My advice to In a Pickle is to look in the Lakewood, Ohio yellow pages for home lingerie parties that cater to women in all shapes and sizes.

August 27, 2008

REALLY UPSET IN ST. PAUL, MINN is worried about the flirtatious female hairdresser "Barber-Ella" whom her husband Don has been going to for the past 25 years. Although she's never had a reason to mistrust Don (they've been married 35 years), Really Upset admits that life hasn't been a bed of roses. She has rheumatoid arthritis, which causes her pain and saps her energy, and the medication has made her gain weight in her belly and face, making her feel unattractive. On the other hand, Barber-Ella is slim, attractive, and full of energy.

Barber-Ella also seems to have a lot of influence on Don. Recently he told his wife that Barber-Ella has been telling him dirty jokes and using four-letter words in the telling. "Don says, 'She likes to see how red my ears get.'" Although Barber-Ella is married, Really Upset is still suspicious and feels the stylist's behavior is inappropriate. Her question is actually four-fold: "Does this have more to do with my own insecurities than with her? Why does she do this? Should I ask him to change stylists? Should I call her and ask when she'll be adding lap dances to her services?"

Dear Abby's opinion is that it is nothing to worry about. She justifies Barber-Ella's flirting by "She probably flirts with him because she thinks he likes it." Justifying the jokes, she says, "She may tell them because she heard them from other clients, thinks they're funny and is trying to entertain him." Further, she alleviates Really Upset's concern by telling her that if any of this posed a threat to her, her husband would not be telling her about it. Dear Abby's basis for her shrewd analysis of the situation is the fact that nothing has happened for 25 years. "Unless your spouse is getting more haircuts than he needs and his time is unaccounted for, I don't think you have anything to worry about."

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Of course the photo I chose has nothing to do with the real people in the letter. Your first clue is that Don has been going to the same stylist for 25 years, and the stylist in the photo is barely 25. Also, we have no proof that Barber-Ella does hair-cuts in lingerie.

Now on to the Sucky Advice. And this was sucky on so many levels it's hard to choose a starting point. Let's start with whether it's okay for a professional person (and hair stylists are professionals, because they go through training and licensing) to flirt with a client. But first we must present:
DEAR LISA'S FLIRTING CONTINUUM
This continuum of flirting goes on between just about all couples of the opposite sex (or same sex, if they're gay.)
LEVEL 1 - mild - eye contact, wink, a smile that you would not give to your same-sex tire installation person
LEVEL 2 - not so innocent - "accidentally" brushing against the other person, referring to and discussing intimate things, and flirtatious remarks
LEVEL 3 - danger zone - anything surreptitious (extracurricular plans and communications not shared with others), whether it's phone calls, instant messages, chat, and finally, DEFCON 5, the F2F liaison.
So, it appears that Don and Barbar-ella fall somewhere in Level 2. Don is considered a willing participant, because it does not appear that he has said or done anything to discourage Barbar-Ella's inappropriate remarks. (Such as writing a letter to Dear Abby about how to discourage your hairdresser from making inappropriate remarks.) Level 2 is a dangerous level to be at, in spite of the fact that it has been going on for 25 years. In fact, it seems that they have spent most of the 25 years in Level 1 because it is only "recently" that Don has reported the Level 2 behavior. And once you get to Level 2 .... it just takes a few rocket thrusts to get to Level 3. So Really Upset has every reason to be worried and suspicious.

Let's assume for a moment that Dear Abby is right about the fact that the hairdresser is only flirting because she thinks her client likes it. In fact, this is probably the case. I'd be willing to bet that lap dancers also only flirt because they think the client likes it. That doesn't make it okay for the husband to be getting the lap dance. (Unless you have a really open marriage, and you're okay with that. If so, my hat is off to you.)

Dear Abby's biggest gaffe is by claiming that since the husband is reporting all this, there is nothing to worry about. WRONG. The fact that he's reporting it to the extent that it has Really Upset worked up enough to write to Dear Abby means that he's been talking about it ... a lot. Talking about it a lot means he has been thinking about it .... a lot. And thinking about it a lot means he has been liking it ... a lot. So much so, that he has been unable to apply a filter to things he should and should not chat with his wife about.

I think deep down, Really Upset recognizes that the real problem is not so much her husband's infatuation with the hairstylist. He could stop going to the hairstylist entirely and the real problem would persist - Really Upset looks and acts old. If she's been married 35 years, she's at least 55 years old. She has chronic pain, little energy (read: no sex drive), and she's overweight. Instead of focusing how to keep her husband away from the influences of sexy, vibrant women (and they're everywhere!), she should focus on how to improve her own health, appearance, and vitality.


In conclusion, let's go back to the original four questions:
1. Does this have more to do with my own insecurities than with her?
It has to do with both. Your insecurities make him more susceptible to fantasizing about other women.
2. Why does she do this?
She gets a better tip. She feels sorry for him. She thinks he can do better than you.
3. Should I ask him to change stylists?
Yes. Why don't you cut his hair yourself? If he's at least 55, how hard can it be? And then figure out how to make yourself a more desirable spouse.
4. Should I call her and ask when she'll be adding lap dances to her services?
Why, do you want to apply for the job?