Broken-hearted in Phoenix writes that she was engaged for 18 months to Jerry. A few weeks ago he announced that he wanted to end their engagement because he is going through "a selfish period in his life and wants to be able to go out without feeling guilty." Broken-hearted suspects Jerry is seeing someone else, but he is adamant that he only wants to be independent, and that he might want to rekindle their relationship in a year. She is not sure whether she is willing to do this.
Dear Abby advised Broken-hearted to consider this romance a thing of the past, and to use the next 12 months to do some serious looking around. "If by chance you're still available - and willing - when Jerry is possibly ready to rekindle the relationship, do so only if he agrees to complete a course of couples counseling with you."
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HOLD IT. Stop right there. This romance is a thing of the past, period, end of story. By giving Broken-hearted one shred of possibility that he might come back, and things might work out, Abby is giving her full license to sit by the phone for the next 12 months. Broken-hearted might try dating other men, but she will not move forward until she knows the door is closed on Jerry. Broken-hearted is not only broken-hearted, but she is broken in spirit and self-image. She has been put on a shelf by Jerry, and now she views herself as returned goods. This will color her relationship with any man, and ESPECIALLY if she were to take Jerry back.
Taking Jerry back would be the worst thing possible. This is a man who has already decided that being by himself is being better than being with her. In a way, that's even worse than him finding someone else. That means he prefers an EMPTY ROOM to her. Or the POTENTIAL of someone else to her. On a conscious or subconscious level, Broken-hearted will always feel off-balance ... what if he changes his mind and breaks up again? What is it that she did or said or didn't do or didn't say that caused him to break up in the first place? Because no matter how much he (or anyone) assures her that it's not her, it's him, she'll still feel responsible. She will still feel not lovable enough. And should she get back together with him, she will spend the rest of her life (or marriage) trying to be lovable enough.
Let me tell you why I feel so strongly about this. My first husband broke off our engagement 3 or 4 times. I can't even remember now, I just know it was a ridiculous amount. He was the poster child for Cold Feet, and I was the poster child for Insecurity. Each time he broke it off, I became even more insecure. Which in turn made me even more determined to get him to marry me, because that would somehow validate me. He finally decided to marry me when I told him I found another boyfriend. And being the Queen of Stupidity, I interpreted his jealousy and possessiveness as True Love. I married him. And spent the next eleven years resenting him for a myriad of things, including the fact that he took four years to decide whether to marry me. I found that finally getting the ring on your finger does not mean you won. It means you lost.
You think I would have learned from that experience. But no, after that divorce, I somehow managed to find someone not just commitment-phobic, but sadistic on a psychotic level. Amazing how these types can come on so charming and attentive in the beginning. But the topic of emotional abuse and manipulation could fill an entire book, so I'll stick with the main point of this column, which is that he too proposed and reneged three times. And yeah, I married him, because I was still desperately insecure.
However, I will credit both of these ex-husbands for the most creative excuses for breaking off an engagement. I believe there were seven (SEVEN!!) changes of heart between the two of them, but here are the best of the best:
1. I'm going to go on a Mormon mission
2. You're Jewish and I'm Catholic.
3. I think I'm gay.
So Broken-hearted, this is why I am so adamant about wishing Jerry goodbye and good luck. He wants someone better than you, and you deserve someone better than him.
One last word of caution: He WILL come back after a year, possibly sooner. Definitely sooner if he thinks you have found someone to replace him. Mean always want to find out if the door is still open. Once they know it is open, they will leave again. Take away the welcome mat, and put on a deadbolt.
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