REALLY UPSET IN ST. PAUL, MINN is worried about the flirtatious female hairdresser "Barber-Ella" whom her husband Don has been going to for the past 25 years. Although she's never had a reason to mistrust Don (they've been married 35 years), Really Upset admits that life hasn't been a bed of roses. She has rheumatoid arthritis, which causes her pain and saps her energy, and the medication has made her gain weight in her belly and face, making her feel unattractive. On the other hand, Barber-Ella is slim, attractive, and full of energy.
Barber-Ella also seems to have a lot of influence on Don. Recently he told his wife that Barber-Ella has been telling him dirty jokes and using four-letter words in the telling. "Don says, 'She likes to see how red my ears get.'" Although Barber-Ella is married, Really Upset is still suspicious and feels the stylist's behavior is inappropriate. Her question is actually four-fold: "Does this have more to do with my own insecurities than with her? Why does she do this? Should I ask him to change stylists? Should I call her and ask when she'll be adding lap dances to her services?"
Dear Abby's opinion is that it is nothing to worry about. She justifies Barber-Ella's flirting by "She probably flirts with him because she thinks he likes it." Justifying the jokes, she says, "She may tell them because she heard them from other clients, thinks they're funny and is trying to entertain him." Further, she alleviates Really Upset's concern by telling her that if any of this posed a threat to her, her husband would not be telling her about it. Dear Abby's basis for her shrewd analysis of the situation is the fact that nothing has happened for 25 years. "Unless your spouse is getting more haircuts than he needs and his time is unaccounted for, I don't think you have anything to worry about."
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Of course the photo I chose has nothing to do with the real people in the letter. Your first clue is that Don has been going to the same stylist for 25 years, and the stylist in the photo is barely 25. Also, we have no proof that Barber-Ella does hair-cuts in lingerie.
Now on to the Sucky Advice. And this was sucky on so many levels it's hard to choose a starting point. Let's start with whether it's okay for a professional person (and hair stylists are professionals, because they go through training and licensing) to flirt with a client. But first we must present:
DEAR LISA'S FLIRTING CONTINUUM
This continuum of flirting goes on between just about all couples of the opposite sex (or same sex, if they're gay.)
LEVEL 1 - mild - eye contact, wink, a smile that you would not give to your same-sex tire installation person
LEVEL 2 - not so innocent - "accidentally" brushing against the other person, referring to and discussing intimate things, and flirtatious remarks
LEVEL 3 - danger zone - anything surreptitious (extracurricular plans and communications not shared with others), whether it's phone calls, instant messages, chat, and finally, DEFCON 5, the F2F liaison.
So, it appears that Don and Barbar-ella fall somewhere in Level 2. Don is considered a willing participant, because it does not appear that he has said or done anything to discourage Barbar-Ella's inappropriate remarks. (Such as writing a letter to Dear Abby about how to discourage your hairdresser from making inappropriate remarks.) Level 2 is a dangerous level to be at, in spite of the fact that it has been going on for 25 years. In fact, it seems that they have spent most of the 25 years in Level 1 because it is only "recently" that Don has reported the Level 2 behavior. And once you get to Level 2 .... it just takes a few rocket thrusts to get to Level 3. So Really Upset has every reason to be worried and suspicious.
Let's assume for a moment that Dear Abby is right about the fact that the hairdresser is only flirting because she thinks her client likes it. In fact, this is probably the case. I'd be willing to bet that lap dancers also only flirt because they think the client likes it. That doesn't make it okay for the husband to be getting the lap dance. (Unless you have a really open marriage, and you're okay with that. If so, my hat is off to you.)
Dear Abby's biggest gaffe is by claiming that since the husband is reporting all this, there is nothing to worry about. WRONG. The fact that he's reporting it to the extent that it has Really Upset worked up enough to write to Dear Abby means that he's been talking about it ... a lot. Talking about it a lot means he has been thinking about it .... a lot. And thinking about it a lot means he has been liking it ... a lot. So much so, that he has been unable to apply a filter to things he should and should not chat with his wife about.
I think deep down, Really Upset recognizes that the real problem is not so much her husband's infatuation with the hairstylist. He could stop going to the hairstylist entirely and the real problem would persist - Really Upset looks and acts old. If she's been married 35 years, she's at least 55 years old. She has chronic pain, little energy (read: no sex drive), and she's overweight. Instead of focusing how to keep her husband away from the influences of sexy, vibrant women (and they're everywhere!), she should focus on how to improve her own health, appearance, and vitality.
In conclusion, let's go back to the original four questions:
1. Does this have more to do with my own insecurities than with her?
It has to do with both. Your insecurities make him more susceptible to fantasizing about other women.
2. Why does she do this?
She gets a better tip. She feels sorry for him. She thinks he can do better than you.
3. Should I ask him to change stylists?
Yes. Why don't you cut his hair yourself? If he's at least 55, how hard can it be? And then figure out how to make yourself a more desirable spouse.
4. Should I call her and ask when she'll be adding lap dances to her services?
Why, do you want to apply for the job?
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