August 20, 2008

NEEDS HELP UP NORTH wants to know how to deal with a hypochondriac. Her father was recently diagnosed with a form of melanoma which has a low survival rate, yet it is his second wife (of 20 years) who complains incessantly about her own problems, such as chronic allergies and a head cold. The most recent visit from her father and "Doris" was cut short because Doris talked about her head cold the entire time, and then needed to be driven back to the hotel. ("No one else could detect her symptoms.")

Now that Needs Help Up North's father is facing death, she is having trouble supporting Doris's emotional needs because her hypochondria is so irritating.

Dear Abby responds: "You can try talking Doris out of her hypochondria until you're blue in the face, but it will only make her try harder to convince you that she's sick -- so stop trying. Instead, every time you see her, tell her she looks TERRIBLE; you've never seen her look worse. It's what she's "dying" to hear, and she'll love you for it!
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Dear Abby is correct that you'll never be able to convince a hypochondriac that they're not sick. Well ... never say never, but let's say the odds are between slim and none.

However, I would not advocate telling Doris she looks terrible, because you'd be handing her a beautiful segue (or intro) to her favorite conversation topic - her perceived illnesses.

The real problem is Needs Help Up North's inability to steer the conversation away from an undesired topic. Who says she has to sit there and listen to Doris's problems? Work on changing the subject to something in which everyone can participate - the upcoming election, movies and TV, local news, what the grandchildren are up to, etc. I would avoid discussing health and disease as much as possible, unless your father wants to discuss his. Otherwise, you will just end up in a one-upmanship contest with Doris.

Dear Abby did not address what to do when Doris fakes an ailment that cuts the visit short. Needs Help Up North can either grin and bear it - it's not worth it to put her dying father in the middle of something - or have her husband or one of her brothers offer to drive Doris back to the hotel.

You can also turn lemons into lemonade. If Doris is supposedly sick in bed, offer to take Dad out for breakfast the following morning. That will give you some valuable one-on-one time with him.

I am sorry about your father. In the grand scheme of things, Doris's self-centered conversation is the least of your problems AND hers.